The difficult 1-1 conversation

You are here because you want to have a difficult 1-1 conversation with a team member.

Why have the conversation?

This conversation is important but may feel difficult for many valid reasons—you might be avoiding it, you are building up resentments, past attempts haven't worked, or you're concerned about your relationship. Despite these challenges, having the conversation can help you connect with the team member, share your perspective, hear theirs, discuss the impact, and work toward a resolution.

Prepare

To prepare for the conversation, start by asking for permission to have it and confirming that the time and place work for the team member. Try to have the conversation over a video call than over text or voice only as it will make it easier to connect with the team member.

Here's an example of what a request for permission might be:

"Hello <team member name>, may I discuss with you <summary of the event/incident>? I would like to discuss some concerns, clarify them, find out your perspective, and identify ways to improve. Could we do that on <time>?"

Before starting the conversation, be ready to listen. Reflect on what's affecting you, the assumptions you're making, your fears, and your motivations. Reflect on whether your opinions may be biased (refer to the recent training Unconscious Bias and Interviewing Training). Turn these reflections into questions that show curiosity and avoid making statements that may shut down discussion. Review the conversation tips below and incorporate those into your preparation.

If possible, practice the conversation with a peer, your manager, or someone from PeopleOps.

The conversation

Start by sharing your perspective and explaining how the situation is affecting you. Then ask any initial questions you have and listen to the other team member's perspective.

After that, respond to their questions and discuss possible resolutions together. If there are differences of opinion about facts, work on a joint path to get to the truth of the matter.

Finally, aim to reach a shared understanding and plan of action and wrap up the conversation, making sure to thank the person for working with you on this issue.

Use the following tips to help navigate the discussion:

Present your side with curiosity by:
- Actively asking for the other team member's perspective.
- Listening intently.
- Providing feedback that indicates that you've heard what the other person has said.
Create and maintain a safe space by:
- Apologizing when you are wrong,
- Repeating back what you've heard to confirm accuracy,
- Acknowledging when you have learned something new, and
- Stating your appreciation when they share.
Avoid sarcasm, judgment, comparisons, and blame by:
- Recognizing your own emotions, and
- Sharing your perceptions of the emotions you are seeing from the team member.
Learn about them by:
- Asking and learning about the team member's background and cultural differences.
Consider their perspective by:
- Being aware that the team member may have experienced similar conversations in past workplaces that were upsetting or even traumatizing.
Brainstorm solutions together by:
- Asking for ideas on how to improve or change the situation's impact.
Keep an open mind by:
- Trying new ideas and trust that the team member will do the same.
- Committing to take the time needed to follow through.

What's next

Before ending the conversation, create a plan that outlines the next steps and sets a time for follow-up. This plan should address whether further discussion is needed, what actions were taken, whether those actions were successful, and who will handle the follow-up.

These conversations often require more than one discussion. It is important to check in later to ensure that concerns are being addressed or determine if the relationship needs more attention.

Repeat the action items that will be addressed.
Figure out a time when you can follow up on any action items.
Review the action items with the person at a later date and acknowledge any progress.

Additional considerations

If you both think it would be helpful, consider inviting a neutral third party to mediate. This can include someone from PeopleOps, a manager, or a trusted colleague who is comfortable facilitating the discussion.

Review the Withholds Exercise / Process and see if you would prefer that approach and follow that process instead of the approach above. Note that is very different from the above approaches.

For giving and receiving feedback review conflict resolution and growth mindset.